Mother Guilt
Mixed Media performance piece. 2024.
Mother Guilt
While working in the studio, I found myself deeply affected by a difficult interaction I had with my daughter the day before. We were out on the lawn, and I had misread the situation and was dismissive towards her. Realising this the next day, I felt a profound sense of regret. It was as if my blood was draining away as I came to understand the full context of the day before. Whilst in the middle of this emotion, I started assembling materials.
I picked up an old, unfinished tapestry and began threading it. Sewing is something my daughter and I enjoy together and I used to sew with my mother too, I find it incredibly soothing. All I knew was I wanted the threads to symbolically reach out towards me somehow. The repetitive act of threading, pulling the needle in and out drew the emotion out, I could put it into the action.
As I worked, I became very aware of the physical sensations of guilt and pain in my body. I began sewing the colourful threads into my own clothing on top of where I physically felt the guilt, a tightness in my chest, I could sew into it, mend it, acknowledge it. It also tied me to the scene. Binding myself there, facing towards her allowed me to express my commitment and dedication to being present with her. The image on the wall reflects how I saw her that day standing in front of me on the grass—remembering my own misplaced anger and then seeing her anew with understanding the next day. This artwork was the vehicle for me to process, release and then ask questions, am I too connected? Too concerned?